Fic: Broken Down 6/? (Merlin/Valiant, Merlin/? eventual) NC-17 for domestic violence overall.

[awritinglilypea]

Title: Broken Down
Fandom: Merlin
Pairing: Merlin/Valiant, Merlin/? eventual
Rating: NC-17 for domestic abuse overall.
Complete: No.
Genre: Angst, h/c
Prompt: Written for kinkme_merlin prompt here
Summary: Merlin is steadily learning how to heal and Arthur is learning how to put himself aside for another person.
Warnings: Contains domestic abuse, violence and possibly triggering materials

Beta'd by ibonekoen who is a lovely human being.

Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five




WARNING: Contains talk of abuse, as well as the aftermath of abuse. Potentially triggering.

Things became a bit better after that night, but Arthur decided due to the appearance of Cenred that it would be best to get back to London.

To say that things became awkward after the incident that day would be an understatement. They didn’t talk about the blow-up that night, or the day after that, and the further it got from that moment where everything seemed to implode, the less Arthur felt like bringing it up.

If Merlin wanted to avoid it, then so would he.

“Hey,” Merlin greeted when Arthur walked into the flat one evening, far enough from the incident that he was healed but still emotionally...Arthur would hate to say fragile.

“Hi,” Arthur nodded, feeling exhausted and a little irritable. It had been a long day. “Oh...” He stopped, realizing the flat was completely spotless.

“Uhm.” Merlin rubbed the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly, shuffling from foot to foot. “I cleaned.”

Arthur laughed softly, and smiled at Merlin finding him adorable in that moment. “I can see that. You didn’t have to.”

Merlin shrugged his shoulders. “I felt like I had to, I’ve been...” He stopped talking and Arthur felt like coaxing him into continuing but couldn’t, couldn’t bring himself to do it. “I started dinner, I figured you might be hungry,” he said after a moment of silence between them. “You said you were in meetings all day.”

Arthur felt himself falling a little more and swallowed heavily, wanting to reach out, wanting to hug him or something. “Do I have enough time to take a quick shower?”

“Of course, it’s just stir fry,” Merlin explained. “I was just about to put the rice in, so a good 20 minutes...”

Arthur nodded his head. “Thank you. I mean really, I don’t normally...I mean...” He felt awkward, and didn’t know what to say and wondered if all their interactions would end up like this, half finished sentences and moments where he didn’t know what to do. He shot Merlin a quick smile and headed for the bathroom, sighing once he was through the door.

Dinner was set when he walked out dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, and he pulled out a bottle of wine. “Would you like a glass?” he asked right before fetching two glasses from the cupboard.

Merlin hesitated then nodded, sitting down across from Arthur at the small table. “Is it a good pairing?” There was a teasing lilt to his voice as he asked, which made Arthur smile.

“You know I never paid attention to that kind of thing,” Arthur responded, sipping his wine before he picked up the black lacquered chopsticks Merlin had sat out and began eating. He was on his third bite, enjoying the dinner quite a bit, before he realized Merlin was watching him. “What is it?” he asked.

“Valiant didn’t know how to eat with chopsticks,” Merlin burst out, the words almost exploding from him. “He thought it was stupid that I liked non-English food.”

Arthur shook his head. “That’s just further proof he is nothing but an arse.” He shot Merlin what he hoped would be an encouraging smile.

Merlin nodded his head, looking momentarily miserable; he licked his lips and nibbled on his bottom lip for a moment. “I think I might talk to someone,” he murmured finally.

Arthur leaned in, nodding his head he rested his chin on his hand, having set down his chopsticks for a moment. “Are you talking about a professional?” he asked him.

Merlin nodded, “I just...I know I didn’t deserve that.” He looked down at the table. “I should have fought harder perhaps, but I didn’t...I didn’t deserve it.”

Unable to help himself, Arthur reached out and covered one of Merlin’s hands with his own and squeezed. “Merlin, please don’t say that.”

“What? I could have, I could have told someone,” Merlin protested, looking amazed at Arthur’s offered comfort.

“You did what you could, you were scared and no one can blame you for that,” Arthur told him firmly. “I don’t want to hear you put yourself down, you are a wonderful person and I will make sure you are okay. If you want to talk to me, you can talk to me; if you want to talk to a professional you can do that too, I will help you find one.”

Merlin smiled brightly at him, and nodded. “Thank you Arthur, but I must insist on paying rent.”

“I never discuss money at the dinner table, I’m not my father,” Arthur said as he picked up his chopsticks and began eating, dropping his food a few times. “I also plan on eating slow.” He couldn’t help but grin as Merlin laughed.

It was nice to hear again.

~

Merlin trudged out of his counselor’s appointment and shoved his hands deep in his pockets, trying to figure out how he felt about what they had talked about. The two of them had hashed out the details of the first time Valiant had hit him and it left him feeling uneasy and more than a little ashamed of himself.

He wondered when it would go away, the feeling of embarrassment that he had been abused by someone he’d thought he loved.

“Hey,” Arthur greeted, and Merlin started a bit at finding him there, sitting on a park bench not far from where he’d come. “I got you a tea.” He handed it to Merlin.

Merlin looked down at the tea and then up at Arthur, wondering why all of a sudden he felt a bit like crying, as that generally wasn’t the typical response to a cuppa. “Thank you,” he said hoarsely.

“You also forgot your hat.” Arthur pulled it out of his coat and put it on Merlin’s head, tugging it down over his ears.

“Do you think I’m bad at taking care of myself?” Merlin couldn’t help but ask a moment later, just before he sipped his tea.

Arthur looked stunned for a moment then nibbled on his bottom lip. “I don’t think you’re bad at it, no, but you can be forgetful. I mean, no one does a perfect job, right?”

Merlin nodded his head slowly. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He couldn’t help but feel like everything was connected, from being abused by Valiant to this moment.

“Merlin.” Arthur stopped him from walking, a gentle hand pressed to his wrist. “Just because you want someone who will love you and take care of you doesn’t mean that you can’t take care of yourself.”

Merlin managed a small smile. “I know that logically.”

“Logic and heart never match up, no matter what my father says,” Arthur told him as they began walking again.

“Thank you for bringing me a tea and a hat,” Merlin said after they’d walked for a little while.

“Well I figured...maybe you’d want to see a friendly face after your appointment,” Arthur explained, a funny look on his face as he did so.

Merlin smiled at him, “I did like it, it was nice to see you there.” He glanced away, watching some kids kicking a football around. “You don’t have to do this, you know.”

“I know, but I want to; I don’t care if you don’t need me right now, but I want to be here in case you do,” Arthur elaborated, shooting him a small smile.

“That’s...wonderful.” Merlin couldn’t explain the feeling of warmth he felt right then, nor did he really want to. He ducked his head a bit, feeling almost shy he sipped his tea. “It’s getting late,” he told Arthur.

Arthur laughed softly. “Did the lights going on tell you that or the sun going out?”

Merlin shoved him gently then waited wide eyed, unable to believe he had even touched Arthur. He was waiting for something to happen, for Arthur to get angry. Relief flooded him when the blond just laughed and shook his head.

“Let’s get back to the flat,” Arthur decided a moment later. “We can get some take away on the way, you look tired and hungry.”

Merlin appreciated the thought and nodded his head, following along behind Arthur. He was happy to find he barely looked around him, expecting Valiant to pop up at any moment.

It wasn’t until later that evening that he realized how the conversation with his abuse counselor had affected him.

He laid in his bed, eyes fixed on the ceiling as memories tormented him, made him scared to even move even though he knew Valiant couldn’t get to him. He closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breathing, finding that he missed the comfort of Arthur’s bed, missed the scent of him and the feeling of being protected.

When a knock came on the door, Merlin eyed it, suspicious and a little scared. What if it was Valiant? It was silly he knew, Arthur would never let him into the flat. The door opened and Merlin had never been more grateful to see Arthur.

“Everything okay? I’m about to head to bed,” Arthur told him with a small smile on his lips. His look turned to one of concern. “Are you okay?”

Merlin fought to paste a smile on his face and nodded. “Yes, just thinking.”

Arthur stepped into the room, and sat on the edge of the bed. “About?”

“Valiant,” Merlin said in a soft voice, almost whispering the words. “I don’t...I don’t want to be alone.”

“You don’t have to, do you want me to stay here?” Arthur asked him.

Merlin shook his head. “Can we go to your room?”

“Of course,” Arthur agreed. offering Merlin a hand up, he led him to his own room. “Pick a side.”

Merlin crawled in the bed on the left side, and closed his eyes. “Thank you for this, Arthur,” he murmured softly.

“It’s fine, just sleep,” Arthur responded, in an equally soft voice.

Merlin nodded and snuggled down into the blanket; smiling to himself, he felt comforted by the feeling of Arthur’s warmth so close.