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awritinglilypeaTitle: Broken Down
Fandom: Merlin
Pairing: Merlin/Valiant, Merlin/? eventual
Rating: NC-17 for domestic abuse overall.
Complete: No.
Genre: Angst, h/c
Prompt: Written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
kinkme_merlin prompt here
Summary: Arthur fumbles with his feelings, and makes a mess and Merlin is left holding the pieces.
Warnings: Contains domestic abuse, violence and possibly triggering materials
Beta'd by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ibonekoen who is a lovely human being.
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
WARNING: Contains talk of abuse, as well as the aftermath of abuse. Potentially triggering.
To say that Gwen was happy to see Merlin had been an understatement. Gleeful, excited...insanely bloody happy.
Anxious...was also one word that came to mind when Arthur recalled the way she’d thrown her arms around Merlin before apologizing over and over again and letting him go as though afraid she’d hurt him.
Merlin though, Merlin had been completely breathtaking in a way he’d not been in a long time. A grin had lit up his face, and he’d tossed his head back in a laugh before grasping Gwen in a hug.
Arthur had never felt more jealous of Gwen in his life. He wanted to hold Merlin, for reasons other than comfort. Actually he wanted to do a hell of a lot more than that. At one point he just knew that holding him would not be enough.
He had grinned though, and drew Gwen into a hug himself, patting her back quickly before releasing her and had fought to ignore her knowing look.
Now though, as he hung his coat by the door he couldn’t help but notice Merlin watching him.
“What?” He asked, arching an eyebrow.
“I didn’t know you had feelings for Gwen,” Merlin responded, causing Arthur to almost fall over as he tried to get his left shoe off.
“What?” Arthur squawked, amazed at Merlin’s level of obliviousness at times, even though he knew it was nothing but a defense mechanism.
“I didn’t know you had feelings for Gwen,” Merlin repeated, an amused look on his face as he did so, licking his lips quickly.
Arthur, momentarily distracted, didn’t reply for a moment, entirely baffled by where this was going he squinted a bit. “I’m not one to go for women, Merlin,” he shook his head, amused.
“But I’ve seen you date so many,” Merlin protested, confused now as he stared at Arthur, the two of them lingering in the entry hall.
Arthur laughed, shaking his head. “I don’t think this is something we should be discussing right now,” he told Merlin, biting his bottom lip. “Or at all.” He turned and headed into the flat, proper, after hanging up his coat.
Merlin frowned as he followed Arthur, confused by the entire conversation he nibbled on his bottom lip as he watched Arthur pour himself a glass of wine. “You don’t have to treat me the way you do, you know that,” he said, a sudden rush of anger taking him over.
“What do you mean?” Arthur asked him, frowning back his brow furrowed as he sipped his wine, feeling like he had missed something gravely important. He knew of course, what Merlin was talking about but was uncertain if Merlin was aware how delicately Arthur attempted to treat him.
“I mean, I was abused Arthur,” Merlin’s tone was sharp, and Arthur couldn’t help but flinch. “But I am not going to get better, or feel better until everyone stops treating me like I’m going to break at every bloody turn.”
Arthur set down his wine glass, “Then what do you want me to treat you like?” He crossed his arms over his chest, frowning.
“I want you to be honest with me, I want you to tell me what you think you’re protecting me from,” Merlin replied, sounding almost spiteful, and Arthur had never been more relieved than in that moment, seeing him angry, and so alive.
“I’m not trying to protect you from anything,” Arthur shook his head, almost wishing he could avoid this entire conversation as it exposed too much of him, things he wasn’t quite ready to say.
“God, Arthur, that is such bullshit, after everything you’ve learned about me you’d think that you would actually be honest with me, if not yourself,” Merlin threw his hands in the air.
“I like you, for God’s sake, I like you. I don’t like Gwen, it’s you, it’s always been you, Merlin,” Arthur replied fiercely downing the rest of his wine in one gulp. “It’s always been you, and you’ve been sleeping in my bed, and Heaven help me you cling you like a monkey or something in your sleep and it takes all of my control, not to just...”
“To just what?” Merlin asked him, his voice shaking slightly and his eyes wide, and slightly shocked. “To just what, Arthur?”
“Kiss you, or hold you even closer,” Arthur poured himself another glass, shaking his head as he did so, “but it’s all an exercise in futility.”
“Why, though, why me?” Merlin sat down at the small table and looked up at him, presumably still not taking it all in.
Arthur sighed, looking at his now best friend he realized that Merlin was incapable of understanding certain things, including his own self worth which caused an ache to grow in his chest. While Merlin did grow more confident each day it seemed like there was still a lot of work to be done.
“Because you’re wonderful, just the way you are,” Arthur said simply, sipping from his glass his eyes were drawn to the floor and he ignored the heat in his cheeks.
“Am I?” Merlin asked him, his voice cracking a little bit, eyes filled with emotion. “He didn’t think I was wonderful.”
“No, but to be fair he was an abusive dick who wouldn’t know something good if it bit him on the arse,” Arthur replied simply, feeling triumphant when Merlin actually smiled. “I’m not asking you for anything, I’m just being honest with you, as you requested.”
Merlin jerked his head in a nod, baffled by the honesty in Arthur’s voice. “I don’t know what to think,” he admitted shaking his head a little. “I really don’t right now, and I’m sorry.”
Arthur swallowed back the taste of defeat and jerked his head in a nod. “Of course not, and it’s fine. It was unfair of me to spring that on you like that, horrifically unfair actually.” He turned, picked up his drink and left the room, wondering if he would ever stop hating himself for turning Merlin’s world on its axis, or for leaving him behind.
Fandom: Merlin
Pairing: Merlin/Valiant, Merlin/? eventual
Rating: NC-17 for domestic abuse overall.
Complete: No.
Genre: Angst, h/c
Prompt: Written for
kinkme_merlin prompt hereSummary: Arthur fumbles with his feelings, and makes a mess and Merlin is left holding the pieces.
Warnings: Contains domestic abuse, violence and possibly triggering materials
Beta'd by
ibonekoen who is a lovely human being.Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
WARNING: Contains talk of abuse, as well as the aftermath of abuse. Potentially triggering.
To say that Gwen was happy to see Merlin had been an understatement. Gleeful, excited...insanely bloody happy.
Anxious...was also one word that came to mind when Arthur recalled the way she’d thrown her arms around Merlin before apologizing over and over again and letting him go as though afraid she’d hurt him.
Merlin though, Merlin had been completely breathtaking in a way he’d not been in a long time. A grin had lit up his face, and he’d tossed his head back in a laugh before grasping Gwen in a hug.
Arthur had never felt more jealous of Gwen in his life. He wanted to hold Merlin, for reasons other than comfort. Actually he wanted to do a hell of a lot more than that. At one point he just knew that holding him would not be enough.
He had grinned though, and drew Gwen into a hug himself, patting her back quickly before releasing her and had fought to ignore her knowing look.
Now though, as he hung his coat by the door he couldn’t help but notice Merlin watching him.
“What?” He asked, arching an eyebrow.
“I didn’t know you had feelings for Gwen,” Merlin responded, causing Arthur to almost fall over as he tried to get his left shoe off.
“What?” Arthur squawked, amazed at Merlin’s level of obliviousness at times, even though he knew it was nothing but a defense mechanism.
“I didn’t know you had feelings for Gwen,” Merlin repeated, an amused look on his face as he did so, licking his lips quickly.
Arthur, momentarily distracted, didn’t reply for a moment, entirely baffled by where this was going he squinted a bit. “I’m not one to go for women, Merlin,” he shook his head, amused.
“But I’ve seen you date so many,” Merlin protested, confused now as he stared at Arthur, the two of them lingering in the entry hall.
Arthur laughed, shaking his head. “I don’t think this is something we should be discussing right now,” he told Merlin, biting his bottom lip. “Or at all.” He turned and headed into the flat, proper, after hanging up his coat.
Merlin frowned as he followed Arthur, confused by the entire conversation he nibbled on his bottom lip as he watched Arthur pour himself a glass of wine. “You don’t have to treat me the way you do, you know that,” he said, a sudden rush of anger taking him over.
“What do you mean?” Arthur asked him, frowning back his brow furrowed as he sipped his wine, feeling like he had missed something gravely important. He knew of course, what Merlin was talking about but was uncertain if Merlin was aware how delicately Arthur attempted to treat him.
“I mean, I was abused Arthur,” Merlin’s tone was sharp, and Arthur couldn’t help but flinch. “But I am not going to get better, or feel better until everyone stops treating me like I’m going to break at every bloody turn.”
Arthur set down his wine glass, “Then what do you want me to treat you like?” He crossed his arms over his chest, frowning.
“I want you to be honest with me, I want you to tell me what you think you’re protecting me from,” Merlin replied, sounding almost spiteful, and Arthur had never been more relieved than in that moment, seeing him angry, and so alive.
“I’m not trying to protect you from anything,” Arthur shook his head, almost wishing he could avoid this entire conversation as it exposed too much of him, things he wasn’t quite ready to say.
“God, Arthur, that is such bullshit, after everything you’ve learned about me you’d think that you would actually be honest with me, if not yourself,” Merlin threw his hands in the air.
“I like you, for God’s sake, I like you. I don’t like Gwen, it’s you, it’s always been you, Merlin,” Arthur replied fiercely downing the rest of his wine in one gulp. “It’s always been you, and you’ve been sleeping in my bed, and Heaven help me you cling you like a monkey or something in your sleep and it takes all of my control, not to just...”
“To just what?” Merlin asked him, his voice shaking slightly and his eyes wide, and slightly shocked. “To just what, Arthur?”
“Kiss you, or hold you even closer,” Arthur poured himself another glass, shaking his head as he did so, “but it’s all an exercise in futility.”
“Why, though, why me?” Merlin sat down at the small table and looked up at him, presumably still not taking it all in.
Arthur sighed, looking at his now best friend he realized that Merlin was incapable of understanding certain things, including his own self worth which caused an ache to grow in his chest. While Merlin did grow more confident each day it seemed like there was still a lot of work to be done.
“Because you’re wonderful, just the way you are,” Arthur said simply, sipping from his glass his eyes were drawn to the floor and he ignored the heat in his cheeks.
“Am I?” Merlin asked him, his voice cracking a little bit, eyes filled with emotion. “He didn’t think I was wonderful.”
“No, but to be fair he was an abusive dick who wouldn’t know something good if it bit him on the arse,” Arthur replied simply, feeling triumphant when Merlin actually smiled. “I’m not asking you for anything, I’m just being honest with you, as you requested.”
Merlin jerked his head in a nod, baffled by the honesty in Arthur’s voice. “I don’t know what to think,” he admitted shaking his head a little. “I really don’t right now, and I’m sorry.”
Arthur swallowed back the taste of defeat and jerked his head in a nod. “Of course not, and it’s fine. It was unfair of me to spring that on you like that, horrifically unfair actually.” He turned, picked up his drink and left the room, wondering if he would ever stop hating himself for turning Merlin’s world on its axis, or for leaving him behind.
